What Kurt Tucholsky imparts in this advice for a bad speaker is fantastic rhetoric training. It really only takes three things to become a really good speaker: Practice, practice, practice.
Advice for a bad speaker
Never start at the beginning, always start three miles ahead! Like this:
“Ladies and gentlemen! Before I get to tonight’s topic, let me just give you a brief …”
Here you already have pretty much everything that makes a nice beginning: a stiff salutation; the beginning before the beginning; the announcement that and what you intend to speak, and the little word short. You’ll win the hearts and ears of your audience in no time.
Because that’s what the listener likes: that he gets your speech up like a heavy school workload; that you threaten with what you are going to say, say and have already said. Always nice and roundabout!
Don’t speak freely – it makes such an unsettled impression.
It’s best: you read your speech. This is safe, reliable, and it pleases everyone when the reading speaker looks up suspiciously after every quarter sentence to see if everyone is still there.
If you can’t even hear what you are so kindly advised, and you want to speak quite and thoroughly freely … you layman! You ridiculous Cicero! Take an example from our professional speakers, from the members of the Reichstag – have you ever heard them speak freely? They certainly write down at home when they shout “Hear! hear!” … yes, that is, when you have to speak freely:
Speak as you write. And I know how you write.
Speak with long, long sentences – such as you, who prepare yourself at home, where you have the peace and quiet of which you so much need, your children notwithstanding, know exactly what the end is, the subordinate clauses nicely nested one inside the other, so that the listener, impatiently dreaming back and forth in his seat, imagining himself in a college in which he used to slumber so gladly, awaits the End of such period is waiting … well, I just gave you an example. This is how you must speak.
Always start with the ancient Romans and always give whatever you are talking about the historical background of the matter. That’s not just German – all people with glasses do that. I once heard a Chinese student speak at the Sorbonne, he spoke smooth and good French, but he began, to everyone’s delight, like this: “Let me tell you very briefly the history of the development of my Chinese homeland since the year 2000 B.C….” He looked up in amazement because people were laughing so much.
That’s the way you have to do it. You are quite right: one does not understand it otherwise, who can understand all this, without the historical background … very right! After all, people didn’t come to your lecture to hear living life, but what they can also look up in the books … very true! Always give him history, always give him.
Don’t worry about whether the ripples that go from you to the audience come back – those are nitpicks. Speak unconcerned about the effect, about the people, about the air in the hall; always speak, my good man. God will reward you.
You have to put everything in the subordinate clauses. Never say, “Taxes are too high.” That’s too simple. Say, “I’d like to comment briefly on what I’ve just said, that I think taxes are by far…” That’s what it means.
Drink a glass of water to people every once in a while – people like to see that.
When you make a joke, laugh first so people know where the punch line is.
A speech is, how could it be otherwise, a monologue. Because only one speaks. Even after fourteen years of public speaking, you still don’t need to know that a speech is not just a dialogue, but an orchestral piece: a silent crowd, after all, is talking along continuously. And you need to hear that. No, you don’t need to hear that. Speak only, read only, thunder only, tell only.
To what I have just said about the technique of speech, I would like to remark briefly that a lot of statistics always lifts a speech very much. This calms down immensely, and since everyone is able to remember ten different numbers effortlessly, so it’s a lot of fun.
Announce the end of your speech well in advance so that listeners don’t have a stroke of joy. (Paul Lindau once started one of those dreaded wedding toasts this way: “I’m coming to the end.”) Announce the conclusion, and then start your speech over and talk for another half hour. This can be repeated several times.
Not only do you have to make a disposition, you also have to present it to people – that spices up the speech.
Never say less than an hour and a half, otherwise it’s not even worth starting.
When one speaks, the others must listen – this is your opportunity. Abuse them.
Advice for a good speaker
Main sets. Main sets. Main sets.
Clear disposition in the head – as little as possible on paper.
Facts, or appeal to emotion. Slingshot or harp. A speaker is not an encyclopedia. That’s what people have at home.
The sound of a single speaking voice tires; never speak for more than forty minutes. Do not seek to achieve effects that are not in your nature. A podium is a ruthless thing – there a person stands more naked than in a sunbath.
Remember Otto Brahms’ saying: Wat jestrichen is, kann nich durchfalln.
1930
If you want the advice as a book: go to Amazon here.
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